Heartbroken.....and just plan broken....

When I was a kid summer was spent outside. My bro and I would leave home early in the morning and not re-enter our home until almost dark some days. We would play baseball hitting cow patties instead of balls because our dog, George, would steal our balls and hide them from us; we would explore pastures having adventures for hours on end; or role play cowboys and Indians. Mom and Dad knew where we were or at least knew within about 200 acres of where we were.

Those were the days before Adam Walsh, Somer Thompson, Charish Perriwinkle, and sadly, many, many, more. Who are these children? These are children who were abducted and killed by sex offenders. There are mean, evil, broken people in the world who do unthinkingly awful, horrible things. Sex offenders are definitely broken people. These broken people do things that render innocent, helpless people heartbroken.

Adam Walsh was watching some older boys play video games in Sears while his Mom shopped for a lamp. He was out of her sight for seven minutes. Somer Thompson was walking the mile home from school with her twin brother and older sister as she did everyday. Somer got in an argument with an older girl and ran the other direction. Her sister thought she would catch up with the group. She didn't. Charish Perriwinkle was with her Mother, brother, and sister in Wal-Mart last Friday night when they befriended a creepy but nice man who offered to buy Charish a cheeseburger at the McDonalds inside the store. Charish disappeared with the man before her Mother could even give her permission to walk away.

My heartbreaks for the families of these children. My heartbreaks for the Mothers. I can honestly say that to lose Kate is my greatest nightmare.

When in a store I NEVER take my eyes off of Kate, I wait to watch her enter in the doors of her school every morning when I drop her off, and I NEVER let her go outside our house in our neighborhood by herself. There are many other precautions I take  to keep her safe but none of this is a guarantee.

I don't blame the victims or their families in these cases. I do think part of the issue is that we feel safe. We trust the people in our communities. Another part of the issue or problem is lack of education. We know our neighbors and love our neighborhood, we love our school, we know many of the people who work in the stores in our area. BUT for us there's a registered sex offender who lives three miles from our house.

And here's my rant: We have a new neighbor. She's eight years old. She moved in to the house two doors down on April 1. Kate loves to play with her.  When school was in session our neighbor, who we will call Jane, came out to play when her Mom or Dad got home around 5:30pm. She and Kate could play for about an hour until we had to go in to have dinner. Now that it's summer and most children aren't in school Jane has no bedtime or curfew. She rang my doorbell on Friday night at 8:20pm looking for Kate. Kate goes to bed most nights at 8:00pm.  "We  have a schedule," I told the girl.  She said, "Why? It's summer."

I'm not really bothered that she rang my doorbell at 8:20pm, I'm bothered because she and a five year old boy from the neighborhood were running the streets without ANY adult supervision at 8:20pm! I don't know her parents and I've only seen them a handful of times but the next time I see them I'll fill their ears full.

Friday night while a little girl was losing her life in Jacksonville, FL these children were wandering our neighborhood alone. I'm heartbroken that Charish won't have a chance to start third grade, to graduate from high school, or go to college. AND I'm heartbroken that some parents don't see the danger that lurks in our quaint, safe neighborhoods.

I'm also heartbroken that Kate will probably never know the freedom that my bro and I knew as children.  Running through pastures without a care in the world and certainly without fear. I can still remember the smell of freedom.

These are certainly different times with different sorts of people.  Broken people as well as heartbroken....

Too much information.....

Too much information…well, maybe.....but it's your choice to keep on reading....

This is called “Survivor’s Journal” and I’m a survivor. However, along the journey there are bumps, big ole pot holes, and blow-outs. This is my journey and since I’m sharing it with you all in this form I’ll share not only the triumphs but also challenges.

These days I’m working hard to keep smiling and to think positively. I’ve been really sad for the last several weeks. We just passed the two year anniversary of my Daddy’s death, in that same week I turned 45, my Mom is not doing well, and it seems that everything I touch breaks.  

I miss my Daddy so much. With all that is going on in my life I so wish that Daddy was here to talk with me on the phone everyday. I also wish I could visit him and take a walk with him in the forest all the while listening to a funny story he had to tell.  Being around my Daddy was very calming. I wish he was here for my Mom.  I miss him.

I talk to my Mom almost every day.  Everyday she complains of being lonely. She’s sad because I can’t just jump in the car and drive to Fort Payne during the week to see her. She’s sad because she knows that she is losing her memory.  I feel helpless…

I know that I have a great life.  I have the wonderful opportunity to work at something I love.  I have a wonderful family. I have a sweet, happy daughter who loves me as much as I love her. I’ve done so much and I’m proud of the art that I’ve made,  the relationships that I have built, and the lives I’ve touch through university teaching.  But at 45 years old I struggle financially because I chose a profession that I love but that is not lucrative. It makes me sad.

In the last several months it has become apparent that I’m going to have to buy a car, probably a vacuum cleaner, a laptop, and a dishwasher. Kate’s mini-DVD player is also not working. I feel as if everything I touch breaks. I feel overwhelmed…

But as I wallow in my negativity I cannot shake off the positive energy that in essence I created. I sat Kate down last weekend. I wanted to explain why I have been in such a bad mood; why I had shed so many tears. I told Kate that I missed her Paw, that I was sad because I had turned 45 years old, and that we were going to have to buy a car so we would have to only buy the things we really needed.  We needed to save money.

Kate sat there for a moment and then she reached over and wiped my tears away with her tiny fingertips. She smiled as she looked me straight in the eyes and said, “Mommy, well you know what you need to do? You need to stop buying me so many presents.”

I said, “But I like to buy you things Kate.”  Her eyes got wide and bright as she had this idea and said, “Mommy, I know what I need to do! I’ll sell lemonade and juice. I can make some money, Mommy!” I said, “Would you want to donate it to your school or Shelby Emergency?” Kate said, “No Mommy. It would be for you. For your new car.”

So…my journey may have bumps, holes, and flats but it also has so much positive energy, love, unconditional love, that I cannot stay sad, overwhelmed, and helpless for long!

Friday, Friday, Friday…..

The last couple of Fridays have been days of enlightenment for me.  I was enlightened, awakened to the fact that I was being really hard on myself about my work, performance in the fall. The fall semester was very difficult for me for many reasons.  

Artistically it was very fulfilling; I directed an incredibly rewarding production of THE HEIDI CHRONICLES.  I couldn’t have been more proud of the cast, crew, and production team. There were definitely glitches here and there but everyone supported the process and kept working to make the show beautiful, entertaining, enlightening, and empowering. I loved almost every moment of rehearsal and performance.

As the show went into technical rehearsals I started feeling more and more pain in my right side. The pain became almost unbearable as we opened the show. The day after opening Kate came down with a stomach virus.  I thought that I had given it to her and that it was the cause of all the pain I was having. As she got better my pain remained. I felt sicker and sicker. In addition to the pain in my side I was so nauseated that I found speaking almost impossible. I would feel as if I was going to vomit at least once during each class. Finally after the show closed I went to the doctor. I was given prescriptions as we waited for results from blood tests. The next week the test results were still not in and I was in so much pain that I was climbing the walls.  I called the doctor’s office for the third time since the original visit.  Finally, an appointment was made for me to have a CT Scan.  A couple of days later I received a call from the doctor; I had a massive ruptured cyst in my right ovary and now in my uterus. There was infection. I was given a prescription. Later that prescription of antibiotic would cause the lining of my stomach to become enflamed.  I also had a series of mammograms because of cysts that were found in my breast as well as an Upper Gastro endoscopy.  

As you can imagine the illness made teaching difficult. However I never missed class when I was sick. I missed several times to have procedures done. So overall I didn’t feel great about my work in the classroom or as a professor during the fall.  It’s hard when you are passionate about something and that passion isn’t enough.  When your performance is lack luster because you are ill.  I guess I thought the students would understand that I had to take care of myself. I shared as much as I could with them. And most of them were understanding and concerned but there were a few who got offended or hurt or angry when I wasn’t as available as I normally am.

As a professor I work to educate the whole person; not just the artist not just the actor but the whole person. Sometimes it takes and there are instances when it doesn’t. This was another moment of enlightenment on a Friday a couple of weeks ago. I will never give up my dream to share what I know about living as an artist but do have a better understanding that not everyone will be open to this concept or this kind of learning. And that’s okay.  And those are the selfish, self-center ones who will not understand when they can’t be the focus for a minute.

There was a time in my life when it was important to me to have my name in every program. It’s a self-centered desire. One time my name was left out of a program in grad school and I was bitter until one of my professors asked, “What do you want? A balloon?”  Immediately I realized how ridiculous my bitterness was.  There were years when I left my name out of the program after program.  I was practicing putting the process above my own glory or whatever. Today, I don’t care about programs and I joke about hearing my name at the Tony Awards or Oscars but the biggest goal is not to be in a program or to hear my name in an acceptance speech-- it’s to raise an empowered woman, make art, educate artists, and to make enough money to survive and perhaps travel a little.

And perhaps most importantly….Last Friday I became aware that because of the sickness and bitterness of students last semester and because I miss my Daddy when things like this happen…I haven’t been happy.

So for now my goals are to be happy, raise an empowered woman, make art, educate artists, make enough money to survive, travel, and not to let the bastards get me down…..