Friday, Friday, Friday…..

The last couple of Fridays have been days of enlightenment for me.  I was enlightened, awakened to the fact that I was being really hard on myself about my work, performance in the fall. The fall semester was very difficult for me for many reasons.  

Artistically it was very fulfilling; I directed an incredibly rewarding production of THE HEIDI CHRONICLES.  I couldn’t have been more proud of the cast, crew, and production team. There were definitely glitches here and there but everyone supported the process and kept working to make the show beautiful, entertaining, enlightening, and empowering. I loved almost every moment of rehearsal and performance.

As the show went into technical rehearsals I started feeling more and more pain in my right side. The pain became almost unbearable as we opened the show. The day after opening Kate came down with a stomach virus.  I thought that I had given it to her and that it was the cause of all the pain I was having. As she got better my pain remained. I felt sicker and sicker. In addition to the pain in my side I was so nauseated that I found speaking almost impossible. I would feel as if I was going to vomit at least once during each class. Finally after the show closed I went to the doctor. I was given prescriptions as we waited for results from blood tests. The next week the test results were still not in and I was in so much pain that I was climbing the walls.  I called the doctor’s office for the third time since the original visit.  Finally, an appointment was made for me to have a CT Scan.  A couple of days later I received a call from the doctor; I had a massive ruptured cyst in my right ovary and now in my uterus. There was infection. I was given a prescription. Later that prescription of antibiotic would cause the lining of my stomach to become enflamed.  I also had a series of mammograms because of cysts that were found in my breast as well as an Upper Gastro endoscopy.  

As you can imagine the illness made teaching difficult. However I never missed class when I was sick. I missed several times to have procedures done. So overall I didn’t feel great about my work in the classroom or as a professor during the fall.  It’s hard when you are passionate about something and that passion isn’t enough.  When your performance is lack luster because you are ill.  I guess I thought the students would understand that I had to take care of myself. I shared as much as I could with them. And most of them were understanding and concerned but there were a few who got offended or hurt or angry when I wasn’t as available as I normally am.

As a professor I work to educate the whole person; not just the artist not just the actor but the whole person. Sometimes it takes and there are instances when it doesn’t. This was another moment of enlightenment on a Friday a couple of weeks ago. I will never give up my dream to share what I know about living as an artist but do have a better understanding that not everyone will be open to this concept or this kind of learning. And that’s okay.  And those are the selfish, self-center ones who will not understand when they can’t be the focus for a minute.

There was a time in my life when it was important to me to have my name in every program. It’s a self-centered desire. One time my name was left out of a program in grad school and I was bitter until one of my professors asked, “What do you want? A balloon?”  Immediately I realized how ridiculous my bitterness was.  There were years when I left my name out of the program after program.  I was practicing putting the process above my own glory or whatever. Today, I don’t care about programs and I joke about hearing my name at the Tony Awards or Oscars but the biggest goal is not to be in a program or to hear my name in an acceptance speech-- it’s to raise an empowered woman, make art, educate artists, and to make enough money to survive and perhaps travel a little.

And perhaps most importantly….Last Friday I became aware that because of the sickness and bitterness of students last semester and because I miss my Daddy when things like this happen…I haven’t been happy.

So for now my goals are to be happy, raise an empowered woman, make art, educate artists, make enough money to survive, travel, and not to let the bastards get me down…..