No matter how many times she says, "I want my Mommy!" everyday I respond in the same way. I say, "You've got me Kate!" And I mean that; she has me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. However, it's true she may not have me that moment physically.
I'm always with her emotionally even when I'm teaching class and she is at her school I'm constantly having loving thoughts of my sweet child. I often during the day remember sweet little things that she says to me or does for me. I love her so much.
She is always in my mind. A funny fact: when Kate was in daycare and potty training the daycare owner would text me when Kate had a successful BM. No lie! Even when I was teaching class. It became so funny to me that I'd announce it to my class. The students even waited for me to get the daily text.
She and I are spiritually connected not only by the fact that she is of me, a part of me, and I carried her for 8 months, but that we lift one another up. Sounds odd maybe, but I pray for her and send white light throughout the day, and she always prays for me every night. We support each other.
Our relationship is very different from the relationship I had with my Mom. Actually I guest the relationship I have with Kate is much more like the relationship I had with Daddy. Mom and I were at odds from my birth. She was in labor for 72 hours and almost died when I was born. I've thought that perhaps we never "bonded" after my birth. Almost immediate after my birth she became pregnant with my bro. She and bro had/have a very good relationship.
As a small child I remember being jealous of my Mom's relationships with my bro and my younger cousins. I watched her brush my cousins' hair and I even remember asking her to brush my hair and her saying no. Our relationship became adversarial. I don't know why. I don't know what I did for her not to love me but I remember doing everything in my power not to be yelled at by her. I remember hiding and I remember telling her whatever I thought she wanted to hear in order to not be screamed at.
Daddy was my rock. He listened to me and encouraged me as much as he knew how. He forced me to go away to college and Thank GOD he did. He always knew my heart and he was a great motivator. There was never a moment in my life that I doubted that Daddy loved me.
After college my relationship with Mom changed. Daddy had open heart surgery and she became his rock. She was wonderful with him and for him. She really became an encouraging force. He felt like he owed his life to Mom and rightfully so. She cooked the right foods, she nagged him not to eat bad, she helped keep him on an exercise regiment, she was with him every step of his recovery, she was his soul mate.
In my twenties and thirties I became a friend to my Mom. She finally really talked to me about what was going on with her and with Daddy. If I was upset I called her and talked to her and then asked to talk to Daddy. If something wonderful happened I called her. I sent her articles, programs, poster, pictures of every show I did. She and Daddy have boxes of video tapes of old shows.
Now, I'm the Mom to a wonderful five year old and in some ways I'm a Mom to my Mom. My Mom has dementia. She has good days and bad. It really hurt Daddy to watch her memory diminish over the past couple of years. In October 2010 Daddy confided in me about the emotions he was having watching Mom lose her memory. He told me that he found it frightening that someone who had been so strong a personality and so independent in life could be so weak and needy. He was overwhelmed. I tried to call and talk to him about it but she hovered around him and the phone. He would never say anything that might hurt her feelings. Now with Daddy gone, bro and I feel those emotions as well as the grief over the loss of Daddy.
So I go and visit Mom and lose her in Wal-Mart. No joke. That happened last week. She went to the bathroom while I was checking out. After I paid for the groceries Kate and I started looking for Mom. We went to the bathroom and she wasn't there. We waited there thinking she might come back but she didn't. Kate was very, very upset and fearful that someone had "taken Meme". After several minutes Mom had us paged. She was in the bakery. She hadn't remembered where we were when she left us but she knew enough to have me paged. Thank GOD! So now it's as if I have two five year olds. That's the way I think of it--if I wouldn't let Kate do it by herself I can't let Mom do it either.
So there are times that I think "I want my Mommy!" just like Kate. And I really do. Sometimes my Mommy is there when I look at her or talk to her, and other times it's not my Mommy. I want my Daddy too.
So these days rather than being down or sad I try to remember to be very happy when my Mom is there and most of all to remember to be there for Kate when she really "wants her Mommy".
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