The first couple of months she spent without him were the hardest for her. After her birthday last year I think she sort of got over not seeing him. I don't think I did a very good job of explaining where he was; I was unsure of exactly how much I could say or should say to a five year old. So I simply told her that he wasn't well, that he was sick, and that he loved her. She was okay with that explanation and went on living her happy little life. The year was spattered with phone calls from him. He was frustrated with me because I refused to be in charge of his relationship with her. The last thing that I was going to do was to act as his secretary and set up phone calls with her. If he wanted to talk to her he had to call her which he did occasionally. The last phone call was at the end of April.
The year was also spattered with court dates to "change the custody" agreement. I believe there were five hearings that I went to with my attorney which he missed. Finally the judge allowed us to change the custody agreement without him present. I was awarded full custody. Period. Finally.
After the above agreement was signed by the judge he got an attorney who filed a request to dismiss the agreement. Boom. He doesn't show. He doesn't care enough to come to court. When it's changed he will pretend to be interested. Pretend to be interested after missing two birthday (no presents, no cards, no calls), a Christmas (no presents, no card, no nothing), valentine's day, Easter, first loose tooth, first day of kindergarten, and many other occasions.
So after over a year I saw him in court last week. The agreement was indeed dismissed by the judge. We will have to recreate an agreement. We will have to do a lot of expensive "discovery" since we don't know where he lives or who he lives with. We will have to schedule a number of court appearances which I will inevitably have to pay for. Me, the Mommy who is there for her child. I feel okay with this, I have a great attorney. She assures me that we will not agree to anything that would put Kate at risk. More than likely he will get supervised visitation but this might not happen until sometime next year. The courts are slow. But in all of this I felt the need to do a better job of communicating to my sweetness.
Today after church I took Kate to lunch. She wanted to go to Olive Garden; her favorite restaurant because of the mints that you get with the check. She wasn't feeling well. She has been having an allergy attack since Friday evening. I said to her as we sat waiting on the bread sticks, another reason she loves the place, "I need to talk to you when we get home." I think she thought she was in trouble because she replied a little sheepishly, "Go ahead Mommy, tell me now." So I mustered as much tact as I could and I said, "Kate I love you more than anything in the world and I will always take care of you. I take really good care of you. You will live with me as long as you need to. If you ever, ever need anything I want you to ask me. I'm here for you." She said with a little grin, "I know Mommy." And then I told her the hard stuff, "Kate, your father left because he was sick. He can't take care of you. He loves you and someday you will be able to visit with him again but he will never be able to take care of you the way Mommy does." Again Kate looked at me and said, "I know Mommy, I know." And then she put her forehead on my shoulder with her face toward my arm and there she sat for the longest two minutes of my life.
2 comments:
I know you know this, but she is such a precious little treasure. I doubt there is anything you two can't face...and defeat...together. God bless you both, my friends.
God gave Kate something very special--for a child that young, she has a deep understanding of things around her. Though she may not be able to process all the details quite yet, she does know. You are doing a GREAT job with her--never doubt that. As always, you two are in my prayers. xoxo
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