Going back to old, non-healthy places...and then moving on.

I chaired an Al-Anon meeting last night. It was my home group and I love them. We talked about Step 6 and thinking.

I often am reminded in meetings that I'm not unique. I'm just like everyone else. I may be the only red-head, the only teacher, the only artist, but I'm not the only one who gets stuck in my head. Everyone that spoke last night talked about getting stuck in his or her head in a whirl of insanity. We discussed thinking and THINKING! I like to think out loud with my sponsor. Others in the group like to think out loud while praying. We have many options when thinking; we can allow ourselves to go to the old behavior of "stinking thinking" or we can choose the path of listening, not reacting, thinking and then behaving rationally. Sometimes that thinking requires other ears.

On Saturday night J.W. was at my house spending time with our daughter. I usually leave when he comes over to visit so I can remain in "NC." When I got home that evening at the end of his visit he began to criticize my recent behavior. He criticized my turning his phone off, he criticized my decision not to let our daughter go to his house for overnight visits, he criticize my "fearful" nature. I usually put on the armor of God when I walk into that kind of situation with him but I was off guard on Saturday. When he finished his diatribe I jumped in with my own criticism of him. I told him that I didn't know his new roommate (who he met on Craig's List) and that I didn't trust him with my daughter. I've done a background check on this person and he doesn't exist. I don't think J.W. gave me the real name of the person with whom he is living because as always he just doesn't want me to know the entire truth. He came back with, "how do I know that your brother isn't a child molester?" My brother is my best friend and of course J. W. knew this would push my buttons good. And it did. I lost my mind and went right back to the insanity. I screamed, "get out of my house, get out of my house!" As I slammed the door behind him I called him a few choice words.

So today I work on that hole in the armor. I work on not becoming completely numb but how to know when he is working me and I'm allowing him to by going back to old, non-healthy places. I work on placing his option of me and my family in a really low position. I remember the phrase, "I just doesn't matter, he just not that important."