Let's talk about sex, baby! No, money, honey.

I always thought that I brought a multitude of 'great qualities' to the long-term relationships I had. As an adult I've had four 'real' long-term relationships. These relationships were all full of love and dysfunction. Those 'great qualities' I exhibited were loyalty, generosity, kindness, patience, submissiveness and love; lots and lots of love.

The loyalty that I demonstrated included never calling my partner out on his bad behavior whether it be alcoholism, lying, cheating or stealing. Often I would just hold my tongue and become 'passive/aggressive' about the event or even in the entire relationship. Days would go by without me speaking to my partner or him speaking to me. Wow! That should have been a red-flag right? Not when you're sick; it becomes part of the sickness-- 'the game'.

I was generous to a fault; buying the love of my partner. I spent thousands of dollars to be with at least two of my past partners. One partner would lie in bed and call into work sick more days than he ever went to work and another partner went back to school on my dime. I kept supporting these guys because I loved and trusted them. I thought they 'needed' to be supported so they could get back up on their feet. I was sick. Classic enabling. I 'needed' Al-Anon.

Boy, am I a patient person. That's a true statement; I can be patient for a very long time but when the final straw drops on my back I become a wild animal. I was patient with these losers. I, however, have not be patient with myself during my recovery in Al-Anon. I've been rough with myself, insisting that I take the entire blame for the emotional, mental and financial mess I find myself in today. As I continue to recover I need to remember to be gentle with myself but not to make excuses as that is just way of continuing the enabling process. I must continue to 'own' up to my part of the mess. I must accept where I was, where I've come from and continue to move forward.

I love the underdog. I'm a very kind person. I cry at sappy commercials. When my brother, Sam, and I were kiddos each summer we played 'Cowboys and Indians'. It seemed like that was every summer but it was probably when we were ten to thirteen years old. We lived on a farm and we would leave our home early in the morning and some days wouldn't return home until late in the evening. We would be dressed according to character. Once someone called my Dad on the phone at his shop to tell him that there was someone on his back forty wearing an Indian headdress--that was me. We would hide in the woods and chase each other, we would put our food in the stream to keep it cool, we would catch a ride on the back of a cow, we would spend the day in the top of a tree where no one in the universe knew where we were. I was always an Indian. I was always persecuted, I was always walking the trail of tears, I was always picking up the pieces for someone. I wanted to help. I wanted to save the starving, the lost puppy, the sinner. I now know where this desire came from, from my Mom but that's another blog entry to be written in the future. I wanted to save my partner in each relationship. I was attracted to men who had a problem because in short--I wanted to save them.

I'm a strong woman. I was in a man's profession for eight or nine years of my life. I had to play with the big boys and I learned to play hard and well. In my work I had to make many decisions everyday and sometimes the decisions had to be made fast. I was good at this. In my private life I didn't want to make decisions about ANYTHING. I didn't want to decide what movie to go to or what restaurant to eat at. I just wanted someone to take me and tell me what to do. In my personal life I became passive and submissive. Each of my partners was attracted to the woman I was at work. Each of them detested the submissive me but each of them pushed me around. Interesting, isn't it? I was verbally, emotionally and physically abused. My daugther's father, D.W., pushed me, screamed at me and belittled me. I believed that I was a weak, lying, stupid, peasant. His words and actions cut me to the bone; I felt weaker and weaker as the years passed. I had forgotten the powerful woman that I was at work and in my life for all those years. The final year of our relationship I would cry everyday sometimes five or six times a day. I would cry in my car before going in to my office, I wouldn't wear makeup to work because I would cry it all off before I got there. I wasn't just submissive, I was a wet rag, I was a puddle on the floor.

That's all over now. I'm that powerful woman again but while I was that submissive woman I allowed myself to be convinced to make many stupid financial decisions. I co-signed on thousands of dollars of student loans for D.W., he convinced me to take out a second mortgage on my house with a balloon payment, he insisted that we take vacations we couldn't afford, he insisted that I was home from my job before 5:00 each day--I can't believe I didn't get fired! I did all of this and more. Currently, I'm still recovering emotionally, mentally, spiritually and financially. I still hurt but I don't cry as much and I definitely don't let D.W. or anyone else walk on me. I hurt the most financially right now, I'm healing the other parts of me. I want more than anything for my daughter to have what she needs in life; I grew up poor and I don't want her to have the same challenges I had to face.

I have been single for two years and nine months. I haven't had a crush or a date in that long. I loved to love. I loved hard. I don't know if I'll ever have another relationship. Currently I don't/can't see myself in one. I'm working on me and taking care of the most important person in the world; my daughter :)